Beginners Guide To Bass Fishing

o most folks, being a bass fisherman is a relatively simple task.  Just grab a few baits, slap a bass sticker or two on the ol’ johnboat and you are ready to go.  To others it is a road that gets very complex and expensive.  Here are my thoughts for the Beginners Guide To Bass Fishing.

The first thing you need to understand is that to be a fully qualified bass fisherman you have to obtain the proper equipment.  We are talking about serious bassin’ gear.  First you will need to purchase one of those large metal storage buildings.  Get the largest one you have room for.  Next, you will need a Bass Pro Shops catalog.  To eliminate the inevitable, I suggest that you order one of everything in the catalog because eventually that is what you will do anyway.  The storage building will be used to hide the many different fishing and boating products you purchase from your spouse.  

If you read any of the major fishing publications you will find out very quickly that you can’t catch big stringers of bass unless you are fishing from a flashy new bassboat.  So, our next purchase will be one of those 24-foot rigs powered by twin diesel 300hp outboards and the new 200-pound thrust 72-volt trolling motor.  Most of the pros that catch lots of bass also have four or five color graph depth finders so this is obviously a necessity.  Make sure the graph on the console has the 36-inch screen so you and your fishing partner can also watch old Bill Dance fishing movies if the fishing gets slow.   

To properly fish for bass you will need 11 fishing rods.  Just trust me on this.  You will need some short ones, some long ones, some designed for crankin’, wormin’, drop-shottin’, Carolina-rig’n, topwater’n, and pitchin’.  Don’t skimp in this area or you won’t catch fish.  The average price for these rods will be about $300 plus tax. 

Now what we need are hi-tech reels that match up well with the rods.  (Forget the fact that you have six Zebco 202 reels that have served you faithfully, you can sell those at a local garage sale).  LongCast Reels has a new model out called the CHUMP (Computer Hybrid Unit Micro Processed) that is perfect.  The reel has a 16-speed gear shifter, genuine imitation gold plated gears, a built-in computer that gives you weather updates, moon phases and displays the 100 best fishing patterns and baits to be using, a small TV screen in the side plate so you won’t have to miss ESPN updates, a voice activated drag system, built in stereo and speakers and a International cell phone that flips out of the other side plate.  For $500 more you can upgrade to the model that has built-in Internet and a fax.  Forget that the price of these reels will require you to re-finance your home, just remember …. Our goal is to catch bass!

I know that you like to use minnows, water dogs and crickets, but forget all those bubba baits.  We are now getting into the meat of the game so now we need an assortment of the best baits on the market. 

Strike Kong’s Macho Gorilla XXXXX Swim Bait – This bait is three feet long, is made out of the same material that is on the outer shell of the NASA space shuttle and when retrieved it looks just like a wounded baby alligator.    

Bottoms Up Big Boy Crankbait – This bait comes in 268 colors and has a Teflon lip that will allow it to dive to depths of 200 feet or more when using 6-pound test line.  You will be able to catch those fish no one else can get to.

The Tupperware Tornado Spinnerbait – The unique blades on this bait look just like the beaters in a Tupperware blender, and the bait has six of them.  The blades will actually mow through brush and tree limbs to get where the big ones are hiding.

The Monster Mo Plastic Worm – This scented bait is 21-inches of solidified Jell-O that will dissolve slowly and leave a trail of ground up shad or crawfish.  This bait is banned in Montana because it catches so many bass.

The Tarantula Creature Bait – Designed for drop-shotting and has 12 legs that are made out of a special Velcro product that attaches to any fish that touches it.  No more missed strikes.

And last but not least we need the Triple X Spy Rig that attaches to your fishing line like a lure and has a built in camera and relay monitor.  Make a cast or two and you can see if there are any fish down there before you waste your time fishing the spot.

By now I know you are getting really excited, but before we get too carried away we need a bit of knowledge to go along with our fine tackle.  The best way to do this is to find out who is the best fisherman in your area and bribe him.  Offer say $500 for him to take you out and show you his secrets.  If $500 is not enough just open the bidding until you reach a deal. 

When you are eventually on the water with the expert, check out the REALLY important issues such as the style and color of his shirt and cap.  These are important later for picture taking with those big stringers of bass.  Other important items are the style of sunglass’ he is wearing, whether or not he has a tattoo, does he have a ring in his ear and the number of boat stickers he has plastered on his rig.  While fishing, watch for subtle things like what does he say when he gets a backlash and how high the “rooster tail” is behind the boat.  These are all important traits that make a real bass fisherman.

I know that by now you are extremely excited, however … one word of caution.  You will need to develop your skills quickly because there are few things more discouraging than to slide into the dock with all your new equipment and have nothing but empty Gator Ade bottles in your livewell.  If by chance you have a “fishless” day, wait until everyone has left the ramp area before you load your rig on the trailer.  You can always tell everyone you came in late because you were culling big bass.     

Well there you are, a few tips that will get you started in this exciting world of bass fishing.  Oh by the way – If you want to pick up additional fishing tackle and reduce your expenses just keep an eye out at your local garage sales.  Just the other day I was at a garage sale and got a great buy on six slightly used Zebco 202 reels.  Good luck on your bass fishing adventure!   JB    

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